And so I am sitting here realising that actually, it is not that easy!
But then, that is true of just about everything about this trip - don't get me wrong, that is not at all a negative thing (well, ok, maybe things like dropping my phone down the toilet and it being beyond repair before I even go through the gate at Heathrow, wasn't the most positive thing!) It is good to be challenged, to have your thinking stretched by experience - but such things can be painful.
A blog about a week when I have seen and experienced so much, where my thinking has changed, when I have realised that I understand so little - where do I start? What do I include? How do I express it all? How can I tell you what is shaping deep inside me - I don't yet know that myself!
I had wanted to make this trip for a long time. Everything about the work of Beyond Ourselves in Zambia ticked boxes for me - great people involved, primary schools, gorgeous children, supporting people in difficult circumstances not of their own making, teaching and learning, supporting people to be all they possibly can be, Africa .......... the list could go on. So many people I know had made the journey, experienced the work first hand and been affected by it. I felt the need to experience it for myself.
The time never seemed right - until now!
But it wasn't easy - Ofsted possible anytime (as a head teacher, that's a big thing!), work pressures huge, time short, energy even shorter. But somehow bags were packed, plans made, work sorted and plane caught.
I enjoy travelling and flying is fun but I have to confess that the journey dragged and the route is not the most convenient. But company was good. When we arrived Dan and Melissa made it very easy - bottle of water ready, car to take us home, bedrooms welcoming, food delicious. The temperature and the surroundings could not be more perfect, catching up with Malcolm, Emily, Lucy and Albert fantastic and the chilling out of Saturday afternoon and evening was just what the doctor ordered - the journey was soon a distant memory.
Church on Sunday morning was all that I had heard and better - how great to worship the Lord with the gentle heat of a Zambian February and the awesome Zambian singing lifting the soul and spirit. I may not have understood the words but I understood and agreed with the heart. As for the preach - I got every word and it spoke directly to me. Some of it was not easy to hear, but how great that God knows exactly how, when and where to speak to you! After the service I was taken around the school. This is when the confusion, the paradox, the mixed emotions began.
The buildings were better than I imagined, and yet the enormous challenges that still have to be faced were clear. I know that the differences that Beyond Ourselves have made are huge. I have seen photos, heard stories of what was and it was plain to see that a huge distance has been travelled and yet this school is a world away from my own. An uneasiness began to take shape. A tension, a friction between my day to day life in a British school and what was in front of me. And here was a school full of the Church community in their Sunday best. I looked forward to seeing this and the other schools filled with the life of children.
And here I am, three days later. I have visited the three schools, shopped in a local market and visited two homes of families who happily and generously shared what they had (which was far less than I had somehow expected, even though I had heard from others and seen photos. Somehow to see it for yourself means you cannot minimize it - I didn't realise I had!) with us with such dignity. I have observed teachers who welcomed the words of strangers in order to improve what they provide for the children. I have had my hands held by countless open hearted children whose lives should lead them not to trust. I have been showered with smiles and giggles. I have seen classrooms and a lack of resources that are so much better than even two years ago but it still makes me so angry and sad that these beautiful children and teachers do not have more. I have met leaders who have a desire to move their schools forward for the benefit of their community. I have met those who are willing to swim against the tide day after day. I have watched teachers who teach with enthusiasm and energy with nothing more than a piece of chalk, who are open to ideas and keen to learn themselves.
Why should we have so much? Why not them? Why are we so often 'down-beat'? Why are they so often 'up-beat'?
I am so proud, I so want to cheer Beyond Ourselves on. I so want to congratulate you for all you have done, all you are doing and all you will do. And I will do so with passion and conviction. There is no confusion there - Beyond Ourselves, you are doing such an amazing job, it is not easy, in fact, impossible to begin to put it into words, or even to know the extent of your impact - the ripples spread farther than you or I will ever know.
But, my heart is broken.
This trip is not easy. I do not yet know what I think, what I feel. I will need time to process what I have experienced. This world is broken, this is not how God intended His creation, all is not as it should be. I have seen it, touched it, smelled it, heard it. God is hurting. I knew that was true. Now I KNOW it is true. How do I make sense of this? How do I go forward from this? What is my role? How do I not forget this? How do I let what has hurt me this week, keep hurting me? How do I let this keep shaping me? How do I make a difference? As yet, I do not know, but I will not let this rest, until I do.
Thank you Beyond Ourselves Zambia for allowing me to be here, for seeing this. This week has changed me. I can no longer sit comfortably in England, supporting at arms' length. I am part of this now, these communities are within me. It has not been easy this week: it has hurt, I have been challenged, I have been confused, my heart has been broken. But I am pleased - it is as it should be.
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